From The Pumpkin Patch

If you know me in real life or have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know that I am completely obsessed with all things autumnal and rustic.

However, I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for the cosy season this year.

While those first fallen leaves and knitted jumpers in the shops once made my heart leap with excitement, they now cause a flurry of nervous butterflies in my stomach. 

Just the thought of participating in my usual autumn activities makes me feel exhausted.

I wanted to be honest about my feelings to you all, as I think a lot of people will be able to relate. It’s hard when something you once felt so passionate about begins to feel almost… pointless.

So here is a stream of consciousness as I attempt to sort through my thoughts on the matter.

This may not be the most well-written post on my website, and I can already feel myself becoming frustrated at my inability to eloquently convey my feelings. 

But I’m working on becoming less of a perfectionist, and I think an imperfect blog post is better than none at all!

The truth is, I have put an immense amount of pressure on myself to look forward to autumn and to dive right into all my usual festivities.

But for some reason, I can’t summon up the enthusiasm this year. I don’t feel motivated to pull out all my knitted jumpers, decorate my apartment with pinecones and pumpkins or whip up a hearty meal on one of these recent chilly nights.

The thing is, I really have been trying. I’ve picked bowls of blackberries from the bush in our garden, visited Hewitts Farm for kabochas and decorative pumpkins and purchased all the ingredients for cinnamon buns. 

These activities have made me happy in the moment, and I’ve felt the familiar sparks of my old excitement. 

But the blackberries sit frozen in my freezer, the kabochas and decorative pumpkins are hidden away in a kitchen cupboard and the cinnamon buns remain unmade. 

I put my lack of enthusiasm down to several factors.

I am burnt out from life.

It’s safe to say that the pandemic really took a toll on me.

It was the first time that I’ve ever faced the knowledge of my own mortality, as well as that of those around me. I saw how shaken the world was by this unprecedented event, watched many of our carefully-managed systems fail one by one and realised just how fragile we really are.

I coped by throwing myself into work, saving as much money as I could and obsessively checking the news daily. I thought I was protecting myself, but in reality I was setting myself up for a major burnout.

I’ve never worked as hard as I have over these past few years. In between, I got married and dived into the house-buying process (more on that below) as well as navigating some tricky life challenges – including the aforementioned worldwide pandemic!

It’s so wonder that I’m feeling burnt out. I look back at the years before the pandemic and feel envious of my carefree lifestyle and almost childlike innocence. Back then, it was easy to get excited about autumn and all things cosy – after all, I didn’t have much else to think about during that stage of my life.

I have so many more responsibilities now, and while I’m grateful for them I’m also aware that I need to recapture some of that excitement and spontaneity that is so essential to a balanced life.

I am focused on our house purchase.

We are currently nearing the end of the house-buying process. If all goes well, my husband and I will be homeowners in a matter of weeks!

Now, it’s not over yet. Everything could still go completely wrong, and I don’t think I will be able to fully relax until we have the keys in our hands. But we’re getting there.

However, being so focused on buying a house has drained a lot of my energy. I’m currently attempting to extract myself and my emotions from the purchase and get back to the things that make me happy, but our impending move is making this difficult. 

I love to reset my living space around this time of year. I find it so satisfying to clean every inch of our apartment, declutter any excess items, restock our pantry and add autumnal touches around the home. 

Even little things like reorganising my wardrobe, pulling out our winter duvet and placing pumpkins everywhere usually give me a huge rush of joy and excitement. 

But this year, I can’t help wondering what the point is. If we’re moving, surely it makes sense to just leave things as they are for now. I’m trying to reduce our pantry supplies, not add to them, and I want to save the deep-cleaning until moving day. 

I’m grateful that I even have the chance to buy a house, especially in London, but I can’t help feeling lost without my usual seasonal routines.

However, if all goes to plan and we are able to move during October then I’ll be able to lean into seasonal nesting in a big way!

I have been hosting guests for almost the entire summer. 

I already wrote about being burnt out, and I think a contributing factor is that we have had guests staying with us for the past two months with only a two-week break in between.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love hosting friends and family. It’s been wonderful to spend time with people I care about and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But I’m an introvert at heart, and this summer of hosting and entertaining has left me feeling drained. For the past few months my remaining energy has been put towards taking care of our guests, and I find that I have very little left for myself. 

I’m hoping that a few weeks of hibernation will replenish my reserves, and I’ll be able to enter October with a renewed sense of purpose and optimism.

Simply getting my thoughts out has made the world of difference. I can see just how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself to do everything perfectly when it comes to this time of year, and that’s no fun at all.

Maybe I won’t have a perfectly decorated living space this year, or a meticulously curated fall wardrobe. But I do have my husband, warm blankets and a cosy place to call home at the end of the day.

The official start of autumn is just around the corner, and I’m going to make time to appreciate and enjoy the new season. Won’t you join me?